Friday, September 14, 2007

I'm having one of those moments,... of those self-pity moments, when I feel just plain shitty. I start thinking about where I am in my life. It's not exactly where I pictured I'd be right about now. I start thinking about all the paths that I could have taken, what could have been but knowing that I will never know. And everything time I start to feel this badly and down on myself, LMS haunts me.

LMS is the initials of a friend that I had in middle and high schools. We were pretty tight for some strange, unknown reason. She had, and as far as I know, still has a very stuck up, self-centered, materialistic personality. I'm pretty much plain Jane and practical. We had an oddball friendship. Opposites attract, I suppose. In 1996, the friendship pretty much came to an end after I choose to spend time with my brother instead of attending her graduation. Mind you, she didn't tell me about the graduation until a few hours before the graduation was to happen. I suppose I was to immediately drop everything and come racing to her graduation. Had she had some sort of emergency and needed me to help her in some way, I would have made any and every attempt to help her. But I know that she knew about that graduation in well enough time to give me more notice. So self-centered.

So, anyway, the breakdown of the friendship started a year before that over another incident. I shelter some of the blame in that situation, however, she was not blameless in her handling of the problem. Looking back, I still feel like we could have better resolve the problem. Instead, I really started to see things about her character that I didn't like. Her whole attitude towards me had a since of fakery. Things that other friends told me that they felt about her, it was all clear now. In my heart, I knew the friendship was going to end. I think that I just wanted to hold on because I wasn't ready for that change. And there were so many devastating things going on in my life at that time. I felt I had no one to talk to. I felt that there was no one there for me at all.

Whenever I weigh myself down with what ifs and shoulda, woulda, couldas, I always get overwhelmed with that dark period in my life. I start thinking about LMS and I start thinking that maybe I'm not a good enough person to get what I truly deserve. I hate thinking that way. I hate knowing that after 11 years, I still allow that bitch to enter my thoughts and make me feel as if I'm inferior, like I can never be a good person or a good friend.

In retrospective, I know that our friendship ending was probably a good thing. Continuing to be her friend would have probably required me to have virtually no life or friends outside of her. I still hate the way it ended. She didn't have to hurt me the way she did. It was so unnecessary. But if I was as selfish and self-centered, I wouldn't have given it a second thought either.

So here I am, sitting at the kitchen table, pondering my life, wondering what to do next. It seems so impossible to move forward to the that life, that happiness that I know that I deserve. But I can't give up now.