Saturday, December 17, 2011

Why Did I Get Married?

Yeah Mr Perry, I'm starting to wonder about that too.

As of Friday, I am officially separated. What has been messing with me the most is the fact the I currently have no permanent place to live. I was suppose to stay with the estranged hubby for a month, but we didn't last two weeks in the same space. Apparently, he had some pinned issues and frustration that came out at an inappropriate time and made me feel no longer welcome. I guess the fact that I was suppose to give notice as to when I was to arrive at his apartment each night should have been the dead giveaway for that. What was I thinking!!!! So now, I'm at my mom's, considering my next step.

When I think about my defunct marriage, I wonder where did all the selfishness and mistrust come from? When did the communication stop? I mean, he would rather hack my email then talk to me. Shucks, maybe I should have hacked his email, he tells me nothing when there obviously something up. Why do so many men keep so much so bottled up inside? Or only talk to their buddies who are, of course, biased? Or just sit in the corner and nurse 10 beers?

So right now, I don't know what we are doing. I think we both are going back and forth in our minds as to how we want to handle our broken marriage. Either we are just taking some time apart to reflect on ourselves and our marriage or we are just waiting out our state's requirements for divorce. I'm so full of resentment right now, I'm not sure what I want. I'm trying to stay neutral and positive. It's just that from one day to the next, the way we relate to one another changes. But then again, so far, one adjective is clear: awkward. It's kind of like we are trying to strip all our interactions of any emotions.

I'm really conflicted. I feel so abandoned, lost and lonely. But I guess I need to follow the course, because lately, we have been lousy together. When I think about it, for me anyway, the things that would have made me feel so much better about the marriage were easy to do. You know, the kiss/hug in the morning, maybe saying "I love you" more than once a year. The fact that he apparently found that difficult to do screams volumes to me. I honestly have no clue what he would want from me. I am slowly getting myself back together after a messy bout with depression. In times like that, you kind of hope that your spouse got your back. He does, however, have some things trying to knock him down. We could help other through these things. But instead, we have become part of each other's problem. He just pulls away from me, sometimes to the point I needed a outlet. Although I never cheated, pulling what I pulled was not appropriate. But he had a heads up. I told him how I felt about our situation and where my head was at and instead of talking about it, I get my email hacked. Sigh...

So here I sit, in limbo. My mom's fussing about where am I going to put all my stuff. After all, I wasn't supposed to move all the way out of the apartment, just enough to prepare for surgery and a month of recovery. Now, I need a place.