Why Did I Get Married?

Yeah Mr Perry, I'm starting to wonder about that too.

As of Friday, I am officially separated. What has been messing with me the most is the fact the I currently have no permanent place to live. I was suppose to stay with the estranged hubby for a month, but we didn't last two weeks in the same space. Apparently, he had some pinned issues and frustration that came out at an inappropriate time and made me feel no longer welcome. I guess the fact that I was suppose to give notice as to when I was to arrive at his apartment each night should have been the dead giveaway for that. What was I thinking!!!! So now, I'm at my mom's, considering my next step.

When I think about my defunct marriage, I wonder where did all the selfishness and mistrust come from? When did the communication stop? I mean, he would rather hack my email then talk to me. Shucks, maybe I should have hacked his email, he tells me nothing when there obviously something up. Why do so many men keep so much so bottled up inside? Or only talk to their buddies who are, of course, biased? Or just sit in the corner and nurse 10 beers?

So right now, I don't know what we are doing. I think we both are going back and forth in our minds as to how we want to handle our broken marriage. Either we are just taking some time apart to reflect on ourselves and our marriage or we are just waiting out our state's requirements for divorce. I'm so full of resentment right now, I'm not sure what I want. I'm trying to stay neutral and positive. It's just that from one day to the next, the way we relate to one another changes. But then again, so far, one adjective is clear: awkward. It's kind of like we are trying to strip all our interactions of any emotions.

I'm really conflicted. I feel so abandoned, lost and lonely. But I guess I need to follow the course, because lately, we have been lousy together. When I think about it, for me anyway, the things that would have made me feel so much better about the marriage were easy to do. You know, the kiss/hug in the morning, maybe saying "I love you" more than once a year. The fact that he apparently found that difficult to do screams volumes to me. I honestly have no clue what he would want from me. I am slowly getting myself back together after a messy bout with depression. In times like that, you kind of hope that your spouse got your back. He does, however, have some things trying to knock him down. We could help other through these things. But instead, we have become part of each other's problem. He just pulls away from me, sometimes to the point I needed a outlet. Although I never cheated, pulling what I pulled was not appropriate. But he had a heads up. I told him how I felt about our situation and where my head was at and instead of talking about it, I get my email hacked. Sigh...

So here I sit, in limbo. My mom's fussing about where am I going to put all my stuff. After all, I wasn't supposed to move all the way out of the apartment, just enough to prepare for surgery and a month of recovery. Now, I need a place.

Extra-curricular activities at the University of Maryland

I heard on the radio this morning that the student union at the University of Maryland has voted to allow the late night showing of hardcore porn. This weekend. The charge will be $4-$5. Now, what's wrong with picture?

Personally, I do not have a problem with porn. I've watched a few in my day. I've picked up a few tricks which has made my husband very grateful. So the way I see it, if you want to watch it, watch it. That is a person's right. However, I'm not so sure about an university allowing a public showing. One caller to the radio show was an university employee. Her point was if she were to watch porn on her work computer, she would be terminated. Also, most colleges block access to porn-related websites in computer labs. If they are willing to allow campus showings of porn movies, isn't blocking porn websites sort of a contradiction? Shouldn't the porn be available everywhere on campus?

The reason the committee gives for approving the "XXX blockbuster"? It would deter late-night drinking and other dangerous activities? What? Does that even make sense? I think not. If they want to drink, they will drink. If they want to indulge in dangerous activity, they will indulge. I don't think gratuitous T&A will deter much of anything, if at all. This rational is very weak, at best.

It will be interesting to see how this all plays out. Read the story here.

UPDATE: The officials at the University of Maryland were pressured to cancel the showing.

The first month of the year, gone already...

...and I didn't post one damn thing!!! Hmmm, I suppose I had other things to do then post to a blog. Or perhaps, I just didn't have anything to write about. A bit of both, more of the latter.

I spent most of January going out a bit more, meeting new people, just trying to have as much fun as possible. I hope to continue that trend for the rest of year. I need more small getaways, especially. My husband and I are planning a few. But I also want to find more girlfriend traveling buddies.

My time drainer last month was the Facebook "25 Things About Me" madness (here's one writer's view on it). I don't usually give in to such madness, however, for some reason, I felt the intense need to bare my soul and make 25 of my Facebook friends stand witness. It was fun, slightly narcissist, sometimes interesting and a bit revealing. One of my revealing facts was my inability to make and maintain friendships with other women. I think that was the first time that put that in writing and looked at it. Then I started to really wonder, "why?".

I blame my problem partially on some unfortunate episodes in high school. But I also had a thought that maybe female friendships have a level of complexity that I am unable to fully assimilate. Strange, considering that I am a female. What am I missing? Well, I'm not the typical "girlie" girl. And I hate the occasional female friendship fakery. They're friends to your face, then talk some serious mess behind your back. What's the point? I'm too old for that. So, I guess my problem is that I tend not to get close to other women because I'm always wondering are they being fake towards me, as if they are doing ME a favor by allowing me to be in their presence or are they filled with nothing but drama.

But, honestly, I think I tend to over think the situation entirely too much. My occasional self-deprecation doesn't help all that much. I have talked myself out of invites because I just, in some way, I decided that I didn't have much to offer or that I would feel uncomfortable. It seems so silly because when I have forced myself to go, I usually have such a good time.

So, goal for this year? Overall, I just plan to be more open to enjoy what comes.

Britney Spears is in a "Blur"

As I wrote that title, I started thinking, how appropriate. The name of the song, anyway. That was pretty much her career a couple of years ago, just a total blur. And I'm sure that many of us thought she would never recover, especially after that VMA show "Gimme More" performance. The video for that song was also less than impressive. Now, I've never really been a fan of Britney's music. But her performances are off the chain. Well, until that little VMA thing (for the fond memories, click here.)

Well, Britney appears to be back with her second album after that faithful performance, entitled "Circus". I saw the video for "Womanizer" and she seems to be back on her game as far as performances go, back in shape and all. As far as the album goes, sounds typical Britney, which means I won't like it, at all. But my husband came across the song "Blur". That song is kind of hot!!! Nice beat, nice flow. Now, having said that, I may not been the best subject matter for her to chose, but hey, it's real. I have to give her credit for that. It has happened to many people. The song tells the story of waking up in a strange bed, with a strange person, not knowing what the hell happened the night before.


Britney Spears - "Blur"

Another YouTube sensation!!!

And not in a good way. Then again, most Youtube sensations are NOT sensations for the right reasons.

Anyway, I came across the blog site DC to BC (a pretty descent blog, by the way) and he had a link to T-Baby's latest release. I will not place judgment. I'll let you make up your mind yourself. Let's just say that this is further proof that anyone, I mean anyone, can get their 15 minutes of fame via the Internet, no matter how talented (or untalented) he or she is.

If you can stand it, watch both videos in its entirety.

Very uncharacteristic of this anit-diva...

...but I went for a little retail therapy. Nothing like a trip out of town for a little motivation. What surprised me is that I actually had a little fun. I typically don't like to shop for clothes. But my wardrobe is much to be desired and I am getting a bit too old for just slapping on whatever fits.

But today, I don't know, something just came over me and I had to spend money. I found two nice sweaters and a pair of flaired out jeans, with the seams on the front of the legs. I think part of the reason that I was so gitty was after I tried on the jeans. I started with the with one size. Not quite the fit I had in mine. So down a bit, not quite. I was pleasantly surprised and pissed at the same time. It was nice to be a pants size smaller, but of course, the next size down was not there. Damn it! When I have the money and I want to spend it, I can't get what I want. Well, at least I got the sweaters. I'm still looking for those pants.

Side note about those pants, and like, every pair of pants I've tried on lately. Are all pants meant for women who are 5'7" and up in height? There does not seem to be a petite, average, tall designation anymore. I guess that means I need to wear heels now??? One step at a time for me, one step at a time.

Slept on album from '98

I've been going through my music collection and came across this CD from 1998.

N'dea Davenport did a few stints as the lead singer of the Brand New Heavies. After her solo, I just knew that she was going to blow up. But alas, the music loving public has not heard much from her lately. I've heard her do a few cameos here and there, but that's about it.






Here are my three favorite cuts on that album:

Whatever You Want



Bullshitin'(love Mos Def, but prefer it w/out the rap. couldn't find it on YouTube)



Bring It On (again, like it better w/out the rap)

One way to relive those teenage years

Steal your daughter's identity and enroll in high school. That's what one 33-year old in Wisconsin did. And then she joined the cheerleading team and attended an pool party.

School authorities mentioned that she did look a bit too old for high school but her demeanor appeared to be the maturity level of a teenager.

When I first read this story, I thought maybe she looked older, as in college student older. No way! Check this woman out. They is no way I would have, or anyone for that matter, mistaken this woman for a 15-year old high school student!

This is just too much

I have a confession that I have admitted to before. But I am an avid watcher of the TV show "Cheaters". Shame on me, I know. With such a show, you get a few "interesting" product and services commercials. This one on in particular, I'm still having a hard time believing that it is for real. See for yourself...

New Toys

I logged into blogger account to see a few changes. I thought that maybe that a sign to change the look of the blog a little. If I had a little time, not to mention a bit more inclination, I would do it right. I would make it a bit more personalized. Oh, well it is what it is. Subtle change indeed, but at least a little something different to look at...

Water: The New Wine?

I came across an article about the Four Seasons Hotel in Sydney. Apparently, they have added a water list to they menu. This is to address the concerns from patrons that want to consume less alcohol, but still want the experience of fine wine selection. So, instead of selecting from the finest varietals and regions, the experience is now about minerals, levels of carbonation and guessing what water complements what dish. What??? IT'S WATER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! HOW MUCH DIFFERENT COULD IT POSSIBLY TASTE???

Well, for as much as $85 dollars a bottle, it better be the best damn water that I have tasted in my life. Ok, I know water is good for you and all that. But damn!!! $85 a bottle!!! And, I can't even get a buzz? I will continue drinking water from my Brita filter, thank you very much.

I had to pause for a moment...

...and say how beautiful the weather is in B-more today. For the first time in a few weeks, I walked to my car without becoming drenched in sweat the moment I walked out the door.

It was a beautiful 72 degrees with a gentle wind, bright and sunny. Yes, this is the type of day my picturesque vacation is made of. Because of the rain the night before, (uh, scratch that, it was more like a torrential rain storm) my allergies weren't bothering me at all.

I felt the need to run away and do something fun. I so wish I didn't have to work today.

What would you be doing today if you weren't working???

Monogamy - Is it normal?

I consider myself a one-on-one, type of gal. I never quite understood polygamy or polyamourous relationships, at least not from a practical stand point. I mean, sure, maybe it would be nice to be like Empress Nympho from "History of the World, Part 1" and have my pick of manliness on any given evening. And, I'm sure that there are quite a few men out there love having their pick of women any given night. I'm sure that there are many doing so right now. But once the fantasy and the pleasure of the moment is over, then what? Back to the reality of emotions, diseases and unwanted pregnancies.

But in this world where monogamy is the social standard, I keep hearing time and time again that monogamy simply isn't normal. That's why men and women cheat. They are just giving in to human nature.

That got me to thinking. If it is our human nature to have more than one partner at a time, just where did the idea of monogamy come from? Is it more of a religious thing that we have just over time have socially accepted as law?

It's been an interesting month

Hi there, for those of you who periodically view my blog. As you can tell, it's been a slow month of posts. And I truly have no excuse. I just got a new laptop, so I can blog whenever my little heart desires. I have all these half posts that are now irrelevant, I think I'll just delete them.

I've been a little too preoccupied with trying to get back in shape, and, maybe, test for my next belt level. The thing that killed me on my last belt test were the push-ups. I had to do 100 push-ups, and not the little girlie kind either. I like. to die. Those push-ups was in addition to:

100 leg throw downs
100 stomach crunches
A shitload of squats
I can't even remember how many kicks, it's all a blur, probably 50 a leg of 5 different types of kicks
Four 1 minute long stick jumping exercises
Free sparring
Free grapple
MMA style sparring
And whatever else they felt the need to torture us with...

Needless to say, after that test, I was spent. I needed to take a break and re-evaluate, what exactly am I doing this for? At the end of my little training sabbatical, I decided that it was still important to me to train, but maybe I should get the testosterone out of my system and stop trying to prove that I can hang with the youngins in the class, and take it a little easy. And to think about what training goals I want for myself, not exactly what my instructor thinks my training goals should be. I truly respect my instructor, but I think that he sometimes forgets that I am closer in age to him than some of the other students. I am sure that he sees the potential for a hardcore, MMA female fighter in me. But my body just takes too long to heal these days. I need to step it up a notch, but in a more gingerly way.

As far as push-ups go, I'm up to about 20 a set, almost up to 3 sets with 30 second break in between. I now need to start back up with the crunches and the regular cardio. I get a bit of the cardio from class and just simply 3 sets of running up and down three flights of steps at work. If the opportunity to test again comes up, I may give it serious consideration. But I want to make sure I do it with a truly conditioned mind and body. And that it is it truly something that I want.

So there you have it! Nothing exciting, as of yet. The Anti-Diva is still alive and kicking, literally.

So has things been this month for everyone else?

The overdrive button

I've owned my car for 5 years and have never dared press the overdrive button. Until this week. That is dangerous button to press for a lead foot driver with a V6 engine and a road aggression complex. I could accelerate around the slowpokes and keep that gigantic, blocks-out-the-sunlight SUV from jumping in front of me.

I still don't think that I fully understand overdrive, but from what I gather, it is on by default, giving you better gas mileage, but shitty acceleration. When you press the button, you actually turning it off, allowing for more power.

Whatever, it does, all I know it that it brought my V6 engine back to life. If it wasn't for the high price of gas, potentially lowing my car's engine life, not to mention all the speeding tickets that I would probably get, I would probably leave that button pressed in all the effing time.

Unique way to keep the time

http://billychasen.com/clock/

Words and Phrases in Music

On the way home this evening, SWV's song, "Downtown" played on my iPod. I recalled back to when this song was released and how naive I was to the metaphor. I was like, "she needs to go on a shopping spree to get in the mood to make love?!?". Then I finally really listened to the lyrics and had a big "ohhhh" (pun intended) moment. After that song, the word fairly innocuous word "downtown" now had a sexual connotation.

I started to think of other songs that either changed the meaning of some word or phrases or added new ones to our vernacular. Here's a few I thought of off the top of my head.

Cyndi Lauper's "She Bops"
I was about 10 years old when this came out. Little did I know that she was referring to a little "self-love". I just thought it was a strange little dance. Apparently, that is what Cyndi wanted us little kiddies to think it was about.

Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax"
Ok, these lyrics were a bit more, um, way more obvious. But, again at ten, what did I know? It wasn't until I heard this song again in my early twenties I wondered how could have my mother allowed me to listen to such music??

Blackstreet's "Booty Call"
Actually, the first time I ever heard the term "booty call" was in Bill Bellamy's comedy stand-up act ("ladies, if a brother calls you at 2am, is that or is that not a booty call?").

R. Kelly's "Down Low"
I'm sure R. Kelly's thought with this phrase was to keep a secret. Fairly innocuous, no innuendo there. However, this term has taken on a whole new meaning with straight identified black males, who occasionally like to take it in the tail pipe and don't want anyone to know.

I may add some more if I think of them. Any songs come to your mind?

Life After People

The History Channel showed a special last night called "Life After People". It is a hypothetical look at life on Earth if suddenly the Earth's human population was decimated to zero. My husband wouldn't watch the show with me. He said it was too depressing. But there will probably come a time humans no longer walk the Earth. I've been slightly paranoid of this thought since age 10, when I picked up the Childcraft Encyclopedia, volume 4, entitled "Space". It described how the Sun is really just a star and will actually burnout, leaving the Earth frigid and inhabitable for life as we know. There is a movie based around this theory. I read way too much as a kid.

The show does not go into predictions as to why humans suddenly become extinct. However, two scenarios popped into my head. Armageddon will either be a man-made catastrophe or Mother Nature reclaiming the planet. Or, even, a combination of both. We are living in a generation, probably the first generation, in which we have the technology to blow ourselves off the planet!

They start from day one and go all the way to ten thousand years of life without people. By then, there is very little evidence that the human race ever existed. None of our skyscrapers, bridges or highways. Nature takes back everything. Got me to thinking. So many people worry about leaving behind a legacy. Is it really that big of a deal? I mean, some people scrimp and save to leave a legacy to ungrateful children. The children turn around and squander the whole wad. I understand why my grandmother always says there is no reason to wait around for her to die. She plans to enjoy every single penny of her money before she dies. She plans to just leave enough for final expenses. As far as she is concerned, nobody will be getting rich off of her death.

It's not like we can control what happens to our legacy once we are gone. Eventually, we will all be forgotten and any evidence of our existence will be lost or destroyed. It just seems that we need to focus more on the now, while we are here on this planet. Make the most of time on this planet.