Why Did I Get Married?

Yeah Mr Perry, I'm starting to wonder about that too.

As of Friday, I am officially separated. What has been messing with me the most is the fact the I currently have no permanent place to live. I was suppose to stay with the estranged hubby for a month, but we didn't last two weeks in the same space. Apparently, he had some pinned issues and frustration that came out at an inappropriate time and made me feel no longer welcome. I guess the fact that I was suppose to give notice as to when I was to arrive at his apartment each night should have been the dead giveaway for that. What was I thinking!!!! So now, I'm at my mom's, considering my next step.

When I think about my defunct marriage, I wonder where did all the selfishness and mistrust come from? When did the communication stop? I mean, he would rather hack my email then talk to me. Shucks, maybe I should have hacked his email, he tells me nothing when there obviously something up. Why do so many men keep so much so bottled up inside? Or only talk to their buddies who are, of course, biased? Or just sit in the corner and nurse 10 beers?

So right now, I don't know what we are doing. I think we both are going back and forth in our minds as to how we want to handle our broken marriage. Either we are just taking some time apart to reflect on ourselves and our marriage or we are just waiting out our state's requirements for divorce. I'm so full of resentment right now, I'm not sure what I want. I'm trying to stay neutral and positive. It's just that from one day to the next, the way we relate to one another changes. But then again, so far, one adjective is clear: awkward. It's kind of like we are trying to strip all our interactions of any emotions.

I'm really conflicted. I feel so abandoned, lost and lonely. But I guess I need to follow the course, because lately, we have been lousy together. When I think about it, for me anyway, the things that would have made me feel so much better about the marriage were easy to do. You know, the kiss/hug in the morning, maybe saying "I love you" more than once a year. The fact that he apparently found that difficult to do screams volumes to me. I honestly have no clue what he would want from me. I am slowly getting myself back together after a messy bout with depression. In times like that, you kind of hope that your spouse got your back. He does, however, have some things trying to knock him down. We could help other through these things. But instead, we have become part of each other's problem. He just pulls away from me, sometimes to the point I needed a outlet. Although I never cheated, pulling what I pulled was not appropriate. But he had a heads up. I told him how I felt about our situation and where my head was at and instead of talking about it, I get my email hacked. Sigh...

So here I sit, in limbo. My mom's fussing about where am I going to put all my stuff. After all, I wasn't supposed to move all the way out of the apartment, just enough to prepare for surgery and a month of recovery. Now, I need a place.

On my 10th anniversary...

...I started wondering about traditional wedding symbols. There is always talk about the silver 25th and the gold 50th. But what about the years prior? I should be able to get something for enduring 10 years, shouldn't I? Well, the traditional wedding symbol is...



...tin and aluminum. I can't believe that there was ever a time when an anniversary gift of tin or aluminum was acceptable. Then again, maybe husbands would appreciate it if it was a 6 pack of aluminum cans filled with beer. Thankfully, my husband went with a more modern anniversary gift this year. Tradition is nice, but jewelry is better.

Extra-curricular activities at the University of Maryland

I heard on the radio this morning that the student union at the University of Maryland has voted to allow the late night showing of hardcore porn. This weekend. The charge will be $4-$5. Now, what's wrong with picture?

Personally, I do not have a problem with porn. I've watched a few in my day. I've picked up a few tricks which has made my husband very grateful. So the way I see it, if you want to watch it, watch it. That is a person's right. However, I'm not so sure about an university allowing a public showing. One caller to the radio show was an university employee. Her point was if she were to watch porn on her work computer, she would be terminated. Also, most colleges block access to porn-related websites in computer labs. If they are willing to allow campus showings of porn movies, isn't blocking porn websites sort of a contradiction? Shouldn't the porn be available everywhere on campus?

The reason the committee gives for approving the "XXX blockbuster"? It would deter late-night drinking and other dangerous activities? What? Does that even make sense? I think not. If they want to drink, they will drink. If they want to indulge in dangerous activity, they will indulge. I don't think gratuitous T&A will deter much of anything, if at all. This rational is very weak, at best.

It will be interesting to see how this all plays out. Read the story here.

UPDATE: The officials at the University of Maryland were pressured to cancel the showing.

I'm all for experimenting in the bedroom, but...

...there are some things that just shouldn't be done. I'm not quite sure what this couple was thinking. I guess a regular vibrator just couldn't quite do it for them. I'll stick with the vibrator, thank you very much.

Here is the link

The first month of the year, gone already...

...and I didn't post one damn thing!!! Hmmm, I suppose I had other things to do then post to a blog. Or perhaps, I just didn't have anything to write about. A bit of both, more of the latter.

I spent most of January going out a bit more, meeting new people, just trying to have as much fun as possible. I hope to continue that trend for the rest of year. I need more small getaways, especially. My husband and I are planning a few. But I also want to find more girlfriend traveling buddies.

My time drainer last month was the Facebook "25 Things About Me" madness (here's one writer's view on it). I don't usually give in to such madness, however, for some reason, I felt the intense need to bare my soul and make 25 of my Facebook friends stand witness. It was fun, slightly narcissist, sometimes interesting and a bit revealing. One of my revealing facts was my inability to make and maintain friendships with other women. I think that was the first time that put that in writing and looked at it. Then I started to really wonder, "why?".

I blame my problem partially on some unfortunate episodes in high school. But I also had a thought that maybe female friendships have a level of complexity that I am unable to fully assimilate. Strange, considering that I am a female. What am I missing? Well, I'm not the typical "girlie" girl. And I hate the occasional female friendship fakery. They're friends to your face, then talk some serious mess behind your back. What's the point? I'm too old for that. So, I guess my problem is that I tend not to get close to other women because I'm always wondering are they being fake towards me, as if they are doing ME a favor by allowing me to be in their presence or are they filled with nothing but drama.

But, honestly, I think I tend to over think the situation entirely too much. My occasional self-deprecation doesn't help all that much. I have talked myself out of invites because I just, in some way, I decided that I didn't have much to offer or that I would feel uncomfortable. It seems so silly because when I have forced myself to go, I usually have such a good time.

So, goal for this year? Overall, I just plan to be more open to enjoy what comes.

Britney Spears is in a "Blur"

As I wrote that title, I started thinking, how appropriate. The name of the song, anyway. That was pretty much her career a couple of years ago, just a total blur. And I'm sure that many of us thought she would never recover, especially after that VMA show "Gimme More" performance. The video for that song was also less than impressive. Now, I've never really been a fan of Britney's music. But her performances are off the chain. Well, until that little VMA thing (for the fond memories, click here.)

Well, Britney appears to be back with her second album after that faithful performance, entitled "Circus". I saw the video for "Womanizer" and she seems to be back on her game as far as performances go, back in shape and all. As far as the album goes, sounds typical Britney, which means I won't like it, at all. But my husband came across the song "Blur". That song is kind of hot!!! Nice beat, nice flow. Now, having said that, I may not been the best subject matter for her to chose, but hey, it's real. I have to give her credit for that. It has happened to many people. The song tells the story of waking up in a strange bed, with a strange person, not knowing what the hell happened the night before.


Britney Spears - "Blur"

Another YouTube sensation!!!

And not in a good way. Then again, most Youtube sensations are NOT sensations for the right reasons.

Anyway, I came across the blog site DC to BC (a pretty descent blog, by the way) and he had a link to T-Baby's latest release. I will not place judgment. I'll let you make up your mind yourself. Let's just say that this is further proof that anyone, I mean anyone, can get their 15 minutes of fame via the Internet, no matter how talented (or untalented) he or she is.

If you can stand it, watch both videos in its entirety.

A Tribute

My great-grandmother passed away about a month before my 10th birthday. She had suffered from two strokes, the second one left her unable to speak and, as far as my family knew, unable to recognize any of us. But I think that was able to recognize me, at least for a moment. I stood by her hospital bed and she looked me right in the eyes. She reached out to me and touched my hand. I remember being a little spooked. I think it was because of the look in her eyes. They were so sad, like maybe she knew that she was going but she didn't want to go just yet. A few days later, she was gone.

Fast forward twenty years later. Yesterday, my mom told me that an old family friend, Mrs. B., was really sick and I told her that I would stop by. Mrs. B. had been sick with cancer for 5 years now, so her being sick wasn't a surprise. But how bad she had gotten was a surprise. I walked in totally unprepared. I did not realize that she was so close to death. She so tired and weak, could barely talk. She was able to recognize me though, she called me by name. But she stared at me, in almost the same way as my great-grandmother. I was taken aback, because I knew in that moment that Mrs. B. did not have much longer to live. I fought to hold back my tears, but not hard enough. I had to leave and cry it all out. I came back a little later with my mother, but she was sleeping and we wanted her to get some much needed rest. But, unfortunately, she didn't wake up. Mrs. B. left us at 2:30pm, Sunday afternoon.

This woman was more than just a friend to my family, she and her family truly was an extension to my family. I have so many wonderful childhood memories of her. She was like the den mother of the neighborhood. She was always looking out for us. You don't neighbors like that too much anymore. People tend to move much more often these days.

Mrs. B will definitely be missed by anyone that was fortunate to have known. I miss her already.

Very uncharacteristic of this anit-diva...

...but I went for a little retail therapy. Nothing like a trip out of town for a little motivation. What surprised me is that I actually had a little fun. I typically don't like to shop for clothes. But my wardrobe is much to be desired and I am getting a bit too old for just slapping on whatever fits.

But today, I don't know, something just came over me and I had to spend money. I found two nice sweaters and a pair of flaired out jeans, with the seams on the front of the legs. I think part of the reason that I was so gitty was after I tried on the jeans. I started with the with one size. Not quite the fit I had in mine. So down a bit, not quite. I was pleasantly surprised and pissed at the same time. It was nice to be a pants size smaller, but of course, the next size down was not there. Damn it! When I have the money and I want to spend it, I can't get what I want. Well, at least I got the sweaters. I'm still looking for those pants.

Side note about those pants, and like, every pair of pants I've tried on lately. Are all pants meant for women who are 5'7" and up in height? There does not seem to be a petite, average, tall designation anymore. I guess that means I need to wear heels now??? One step at a time for me, one step at a time.

New Toys

I logged into blogger account to see a few changes. I thought that maybe that a sign to change the look of the blog a little. If I had a little time, not to mention a bit more inclination, I would do it right. I would make it a bit more personalized. Oh, well it is what it is. Subtle change indeed, but at least a little something different to look at...

Water: The New Wine?

I came across an article about the Four Seasons Hotel in Sydney. Apparently, they have added a water list to they menu. This is to address the concerns from patrons that want to consume less alcohol, but still want the experience of fine wine selection. So, instead of selecting from the finest varietals and regions, the experience is now about minerals, levels of carbonation and guessing what water complements what dish. What??? IT'S WATER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! HOW MUCH DIFFERENT COULD IT POSSIBLY TASTE???

Well, for as much as $85 dollars a bottle, it better be the best damn water that I have tasted in my life. Ok, I know water is good for you and all that. But damn!!! $85 a bottle!!! And, I can't even get a buzz? I will continue drinking water from my Brita filter, thank you very much.

I had to pause for a moment...

...and say how beautiful the weather is in B-more today. For the first time in a few weeks, I walked to my car without becoming drenched in sweat the moment I walked out the door.

It was a beautiful 72 degrees with a gentle wind, bright and sunny. Yes, this is the type of day my picturesque vacation is made of. Because of the rain the night before, (uh, scratch that, it was more like a torrential rain storm) my allergies weren't bothering me at all.

I felt the need to run away and do something fun. I so wish I didn't have to work today.

What would you be doing today if you weren't working???

Thoughts about life and death

The hubby and I went to see the newest Indiana Jones movie. I won't get into too much details, I'm never good with giving a review without spilling a few spoilers. I'll say that although I thought it was an OK movie, it WAS NOT the Indiana Jones movie that I was waiting to see, which is apparently the prevailing thoughts among the critics. I didn't feel that it outdid the Last Crusade. The Last Crusade was a fine ending chapter to the series.

The previews usually piss me off. Because if it is something that catches my interest, it usually doesn't come out 6 months to a year later. I usually have forgotten about the flick by then. But there is always at least one that it pretty memorable.

I couldn't stop thinking the preview for the movie "The Curious Curse of Benjamin Button". Based on the short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, it tells the story of a child who is born as an old man. As his life goes on, he gets younger and younger. At first, I'm thinking who wouldn't want to age in reverse. The best years of your life could be enjoyed at the end of your life instead of your worst. You could look forward to your golden years. But if the movie is going to be anything like the short story, aging in reverse could be just as bad as aging forward. Maybe even worst. In either situation, it probably most important to not let time pass you by. Far too many of us waste too much of our lives in waiting. And then we waste more time with regret.

Monogamy - Is it normal?

I consider myself a one-on-one, type of gal. I never quite understood polygamy or polyamourous relationships, at least not from a practical stand point. I mean, sure, maybe it would be nice to be like Empress Nympho from "History of the World, Part 1" and have my pick of manliness on any given evening. And, I'm sure that there are quite a few men out there love having their pick of women any given night. I'm sure that there are many doing so right now. But once the fantasy and the pleasure of the moment is over, then what? Back to the reality of emotions, diseases and unwanted pregnancies.

But in this world where monogamy is the social standard, I keep hearing time and time again that monogamy simply isn't normal. That's why men and women cheat. They are just giving in to human nature.

That got me to thinking. If it is our human nature to have more than one partner at a time, just where did the idea of monogamy come from? Is it more of a religious thing that we have just over time have socially accepted as law?

Kobe jumps over an Aston Martin?

That's what they want you to believe with this video. The story I read was that the story has been analyzed to death and no one seems to be to prove that it is a fake. My bet is that it is a fake. Mainly because of one missing element in the video: the driver of the Aston Martin. It may just be the quality of the video on YouTube, but when Kobe jumps over the car, there doesn't appear to be anyone driving the car. When car comes back, you can clearly see the driver wearing a very distinctive colored shirt.



I don't know why they chose to advertise these new shoes in this manner. How much you wanna bet that there will be some more hospital visits as a result of some kids thinking they can jump over moving cars with a pair of Hyperdunks?

I also came across this video on YouTube that was suppose to prove that the Kobe video could be real. Although, I think this one is a little more believable, considering the skateboard and the ramp.


So what ya'll think? Is that Kobe video real or fake?

Dru Hill reunion???

At least that what we were lead to believe on 92Q's Big Phatt Morning Show the other day. The reunion lasted about 10 minutes. Woody, who left the group previously, decided, on the air, that the group didn't really need him and that he should continue in his fellowship with God. There is a question as to whether or not this was a staged event. Maybe the whole thing was done for publicity? Well, Sisqo did not seem none too pleased with Woody's announcement. Of course, I wouldn't be too happy if my entertainment career was reduced to a terrible country reality TV series. Why else would Sisqo consider "Going Country" is his R&B career was on track?

I don't understand why they would include Woody in these reunion plans anyway. He left for the same reasons the first time. When they added Ruscola, aka 'Scola, to the group, I thought they were on the right track. I remember rocking 'Scola's "Let's Get Personal" track back in the mid to late 90's. He was pretty big here in the Baltimore/DC region for a minute. 'Scola added a freshness to the group that was way overdue. I was looking forward to a Dru Hill rebirth. After "Dru World Order" and Woody actually leaving the group, however, everything just seemed to fall apart. I noticed that with this reunion, 'Scola was not involved. I wonder why.

Here is the video from the radio interview. Could it be all a hoax?

The overdrive button

I've owned my car for 5 years and have never dared press the overdrive button. Until this week. That is dangerous button to press for a lead foot driver with a V6 engine and a road aggression complex. I could accelerate around the slowpokes and keep that gigantic, blocks-out-the-sunlight SUV from jumping in front of me.

I still don't think that I fully understand overdrive, but from what I gather, it is on by default, giving you better gas mileage, but shitty acceleration. When you press the button, you actually turning it off, allowing for more power.

Whatever, it does, all I know it that it brought my V6 engine back to life. If it wasn't for the high price of gas, potentially lowing my car's engine life, not to mention all the speeding tickets that I would probably get, I would probably leave that button pressed in all the effing time.

Unique way to keep the time

http://billychasen.com/clock/

Words and Phrases in Music

On the way home this evening, SWV's song, "Downtown" played on my iPod. I recalled back to when this song was released and how naive I was to the metaphor. I was like, "she needs to go on a shopping spree to get in the mood to make love?!?". Then I finally really listened to the lyrics and had a big "ohhhh" (pun intended) moment. After that song, the word fairly innocuous word "downtown" now had a sexual connotation.

I started to think of other songs that either changed the meaning of some word or phrases or added new ones to our vernacular. Here's a few I thought of off the top of my head.

Cyndi Lauper's "She Bops"
I was about 10 years old when this came out. Little did I know that she was referring to a little "self-love". I just thought it was a strange little dance. Apparently, that is what Cyndi wanted us little kiddies to think it was about.

Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax"
Ok, these lyrics were a bit more, um, way more obvious. But, again at ten, what did I know? It wasn't until I heard this song again in my early twenties I wondered how could have my mother allowed me to listen to such music??

Blackstreet's "Booty Call"
Actually, the first time I ever heard the term "booty call" was in Bill Bellamy's comedy stand-up act ("ladies, if a brother calls you at 2am, is that or is that not a booty call?").

R. Kelly's "Down Low"
I'm sure R. Kelly's thought with this phrase was to keep a secret. Fairly innocuous, no innuendo there. However, this term has taken on a whole new meaning with straight identified black males, who occasionally like to take it in the tail pipe and don't want anyone to know.

I may add some more if I think of them. Any songs come to your mind?

Waiting for the bus on I-95

At least that is what is looked like the gentleman was doing as I passed him driving down I-95 this morning. There he was, standing on the left shoulder. He was wearing a trench coat and dress pants, carrying a little plastic bag. Of course, initially I thought that he was having a bit of car trouble. However, there was no car in sight. Scratch that, there was no car in sight on the left shoulder. The only car in the vicinity was on right shoulder. Hmmmmm... I wonder how he crossed 4 lanes of 65 MPH (usually 80) traffic without getting hit. I guess a better question would be why. Maybe the same reason the chicken did???

Of course, all types of scenarios ran through my head. Maybe someone kicked him out the car and just left him on the side of the road. Maybe he was contemplating death by car and everyone missed him on his first run across the interstate. Ok, that one was a bit morbid. I truly hope that that was not the case.

In the few micro-seconds that I got a glimpse of him, he really didn't look that distressed. Didn't appear to be trying to hitch a ride. I guess he was just waiting for someone to pick him up. Odd place to wait, though.

In any event, I hope the gentleman gets home safe and sound this evening.